


The Climax

by DeadLegato After Dark (deadlegato)



Series: 12 days of Smutness/Smutmas 2020 [12]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: 12 Days of Smutmas, Christmas Shopping, Other, Ouch, Sir Pentious Has Two Penises (Hazbin Hotel), Tentacles, Twelve Days of Smutness, guest appearances by: Stolas, hot cheeto hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:28:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28316784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlegato/pseuds/DeadLegato%20After%20Dark
Summary: Pentious, Cherri, and Arackniss go on a shopping trip for an apology gift for Angel. Easier said than done! It's the height of Anti-Christmas, and everyone is out shopping.With references to every single one of my other 12 days of smutness fics. Can you find them all??
Relationships: Arackniss/Sir Pentious/Cherri Bomb
Series: 12 days of Smutness/Smutmas 2020 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074626
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19
Collections: The Twelve Days of Smutness 2020





	The Climax

“So.. what are we going to do about Angel?” Cherri asked. She was having morning coffee with Arackniss and Pentious.

“Do we have to do anything for him?” Pentious asked, bundled in his fuzzy Sherpa fleece bathrobe. “He did burst in on us uninvited.”

“Only because he thought I was in danger! Which was due to you bumping the table, remember,” she pointed out. The three demons sighed in unison, slumping. Cherri finally spoke up again. “We should get him an apology gift! Let’s hit up the maul!”

“It’s anti-Christmas today! Every demon and the imp they’re fucking is going to be at the maul today!” Arackniss pointed out. “We’d have to wait in line for two hours just to get a parking space.”

“Why worry about parking space when we can take Pentious’ mini-blimp?” Cherri pointed out.

“I don’t really like shopping when it is crowded. Demons step on my tail,” Pentious pointed out.

“I’ve got a solution for that!” Cherri said brightly. “Come on, he’s your brother, my best friend, and if it weren’t for your wide load of an ass, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

.

“I do not like your… solution,” Pentious grunted, a scowl across his face. Cherri had put an Egg Boi in an orange traffic vest on his tail holding an orange glow stick and attached a “Caution: Oversized load” sign across the widest part of his tail in back.

“You said you didn’t want to get your tail stepped on,” Cherri shrugged. She’d decided on a festive holiday dress, but the male demons were all dressed as usual.

“I am not sure this will be enough,” he replied, half-hiding behind Cherri. The maul was… living up to its name. Of course a place in Hell wouldn’t close for a holiday, or it wouldn’t be Hell on the workers. Brawls were breaking out in every direction they looked. They even had to go around a twitching demon whose intestines had been tied in a very festive holiday bow around the rest of its body.

“We need to stick together,” Arackniss answered, dodging sharp elbows and flying shopping bags.

“Easier said than done! We should have handcuffed ourselves together! Quick, get into Hellmark cards!”

At least it was relatively quiet in Hellmark, which was playing the cheerful sounds of the damned howling in pain to the tune of Jingle Bells on the overhead speakers. After all, Anti-Christmas music was its own kind of torture. There was a sign informing them that shoplifters would be shot on sight, and the front-clerk demon’s massive shotgun suggested this was no bluff. “Now, we just have to find the appropriate card for Angel…”

“I found I’m sorry I slept with your sister and your mom,” Pentious said, looking through the rather large apology section.

“Here’s your wife and your wife’s best friend,” Arackniss pointed out. "I'm sorry I fucked an imp in our marital bed? Who would need this one?"

“Where would they put the sorry I slept with your brother and best friend cards?” Cherri asked with a frown, studying the card selection.

“But I’m not sorry at all!” Pentious argued, crossing his arms as he puffed at her.

“Ugh, fine, then we need I’m sorry I slept with your best friend and that creepy old guy from down the block.”

“Excuse you?!”

“I found that one!” the Egg Boi said helpfully, showing them a card that said… exactly what Cherri had just said. It was a light grey card with deep grey writing, covered in black glitter.

“That’s perfect!” Cherri said. Pentious just huffed. “Now we just need to get him an apology gift that shows that we really care and thought about him. And don’t say you neither care nor think about him, Edgelord, we know. At least pretend you do until he forgives Arackniss and me, okay?”

Pentious let out a deep breath, deflating slightly. “Only because I’d do anything for Nissy.”

“What store do you want to ask next, then?” Arackniss asked as he charged the card to his Capital Punishment One Visa card. “I mean, there are sex shops in this shopping center. We could see if any of them have those Overlord toys you found while you were shopping for dick paint.”

“Nissy!” Pentious said, flushing as his hood popped with embarrassment. “Please do not air a gentleman’s dirty laundry in public like that!”

“Okay, now we have to go, because I have to know what they look like.”

.

“Oh, these are hilarious!” Cherri laughed. “Look, I’m the stupid rat, I’m gonna kiss my electronic boyfriend’s butt, mmm, mmmm, mmmm” she said, smashing two toys together.

“Hey, don’t play with anything until you’ve bought it,” the bored, droopy-eyed rooster demon at the counter snapped.

“He does seem to have at least some interest in the Hot Cheeto Hatred Overlord,” Arackniss responded, poking at their Alastor-themed section.

“Yes, but having met Alastor, I suspect such a thing would get him killed if found in his possession.”

“Yeah, and I think he fucks his boss often enough that the toy wouldn’t interest him,” Cherri shrugged. “Would it be funny or wrong to get him some of his own merch?!” Cherri asked, pulling a blow-up Angel doll off the shelf.

Arackniss looked like he was going to be sick. “Look, Cherri… mentally, I know my brother is a porn star. Physically, though? Please keep all reminders of such away from me.”

“Aw, darn, I should have waited to buy that gold cock ring set for you, Penty. It’s on sale now. You know… I already tried getting Angel two giant dildos as an apology gift, and he ran away from them screaming,” Cherri said, putting the blow up Angel back on the shelf. “Maybe that means he doesn’t want sex toys. He might get enough of that at work.”

“What else does Angel like?” Pentious asked.

“Kinky boots and alcohol,” Cherri suggested. “Problem is, I’d hate to get him the wrong size, and he gets all he gets all the alcohol he wants at the hotel so he can hit on the bartender. We can’t really get him anything nice because his boss will wreck it just to be a prick.”

“And I don’t think the princess would like it if I gave him guns or drugs,” Arackniss added with a shrug.

“Well, why not something he can use at the hotel then, like a luxury blanket set?” Pentious suggested.

“Luxury blanket… you are so, so old,” Cherri laughed.

“Plus I don’t think he wants anything to remind him of why he’s mad at us,” Arackniss noted. “What about sexy clothing? He likes sexy clothing,” he suggested. Just… maybe just not a maid outfit. Pentious was still a little frosty about that whole mess. Arackniss didn’t want to remind him of it.

“I hate to say gift certificate, but… clothing and shoes have the same problem, we can’t be certain of what will fit him. Let’s walk around and see if anything catches our attention,” Cherri said.

As the three were leaving the sex shop, a very tall, thin owl demon was having a conversation with the rooster clerk at the register. “Are you sure the ring this book comes with will fit on my imp’s massive, mighty red hot statue of a cock?” he asked. 

“… Are you sure Cuckolding for Dummies is the book you want to buy?” the cock demon asked. “You do realize the cuck in the title has nothing to do with bird or chicken demon sex, right? That would be the books on cluck-olding.” Apparently this was a common mistake?

“Of course I do! What do I look like, an imbecile?! … But just to be sure, please re-inform me of what it means.”

“That owl had almost the same accent as you,” Cherri joked to Pentious, “And he sounded just as stupid when it comes to sex. You sure you don’t have any birds in your family pear tree?”

“Hardy-hardy, Miss Bomb.”

.

They were walking and slithering through the mall when they passed an extremely pained looking female imp pushing a baby carriage containing three screaming baby imps. “You know, sometimes I’m glad sinners can’t have kids,” Cherri said with a shake of her head. “Hey, Pent, you ever think about what it would be like if you could lay eggs?”

“Miss Bomb, I thought you would have recognized by now that I am a biologically male demon,” Pentious hissed.

“Come on, we’re in Hell. There’s gotta be a spell for that.”

“I am perfectly happy with store-bought minions, thank you very much. I do not feel the need to make my own,” Pentious snapped back.

“Wait… I’m… I’m… adopted?!” the Egg Boi asked, breaking out into tears.

“You know… I think the baby imps weren’t that loud,” Cherri sighed, shaking her head as Pentious tried to calm the weeping Egg Boi.

…

“What a waste of time. We spent all day walking around the maul, and all we could find for Anthony was a card!” Arackniss groaned.

“And it started to rain while we were inside,” Pentious pointed out as they made their way through the wind up the ramp into his mini blimp. This was an ice-cold rain, not the kind of rain either he or Cherri would have enjoyed fucking outside in. “It is making the ramp a little, little slippery…” Pentious frowned as he slid backwards. Where it was hitting metal, it was freezing.

“Careful, Pent!”

“Yeah, old man, wouldn’t want you to fall and break a hip,” Cherri laughed. She was so busy teasing Pentious that she wasn’t paying attention to where she put her foot, and slipped on an icy patch herself. As she fell backwards, Arackniss tried to catch her, but her wind milling arms punched him in the face. They both went down, sliding up and onto Pentious. Completely flattened by their unexpected weight, Pentious was essentially turned into a snake sled carrying two screaming demons and an Egg Boi.

They slid off the ramp and across the roof of the maul. They shot right through a set of Anti-Christmas wreaths, each of the larger demons ending up with a wreath around their neck, and ripped apart lights trailing behind them as they slid. They soared right off the roof, flying through the air with a terrified howling of combined voices.

.

“Do you hear something?” Charlie asked, getting out of her limo.

“That sounds like… like my brother!” Angel said, looking around. A moment later, Arackniss crashed into him at full speed, throwing both of them upside down into a tree planter. Pentious landed on his back on the roof, with Cherri landing straight on top of him, crunching his groin and eliciting another pain screech from the serpent demon. The Egg Boi flew straight into Alastor’s face, splattering into a dozen pieces and spewing egg yolk everywhere.

Arakniss and Angel struggled out of the planter. They were gasping for air when the card floated down and landed on Angel’s head. “What’s this… aw, bro! You got me an apology card?! And… and… AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HHHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA!” Angel was doubled over, pointing and laughing at Alastor. By some combination of cold weather and Hell physics, the egg yolk had frozen the second it hit him. Charlie, Vaggie, and Husk were attempting to get frozen egg off the Radio Demon’s face in the parking lot of the maul on Anti-Christmas day.

“… You guys had better run,” Husk said with a groan, still trying to help the furious and muffled Alastor.

“I can’t!” Cherri said, suddenly trying to pull away. “I can’t, I’m stuck!”

“Ow, ow, ow, STOP!” Pentious shouted. She couldn’t because… she hadn’t worn any panties out that day, and apparently when Pentious got scared enough from flying through the air… not only did his hood pop out, but so did his dicks. She’d landed straight on top of one, and the force of her landing had… well, let’s just say what happened was like when you squeeze a sealed tube of toothpaste too hard. Now, due to the freezing air and combination of the snake’s wet dick with her moist insides… she was stuck. It was like being stuck to frozen pole because you licked it.

“I think I broke something when we landed, too,” Arackniss groaned.

.

And that was the story of how, on Anti-Christmas eve, our entire crew ended up at Pentagram Central hospital. “You… you three went through all that trouble for me?” Angel asked, tears in the corners of his eyes. “Aw, bro… I’m still fucking pissed at you, but I love you!” he cried, squeezing all of his arms around his brother. His own lower-left arm in a cast, Arackniss squeaked in response.

An extremely humiliated Pentious joined them with a less than bothered Cherri. “Let’s not ever do that again,” she grunted.

“How did they get you two apart? Did they have to… to… snip-snip?” Angel asked, whispering the last two words, making cutting gestures with one hand while pointing to Pentious with the other.

“WHAT?! NO!” Pentious shrieked. Angel was relieved. He knew it had all been a dream, but still… it had been a scary dream.

“Yeah I just never want a hot doctor having to look at my cooch with snake dick stuck up it as they try to pour in enough warm water to melt us,” Cherri said frankly. Pentious looked like he wanted to die right there of embarrassment.

Husk arrived in the waiting room with a decorative box. “Al wanted me to give this to the four of you for Anti-Christmas,” he said, handing it over. “It contains what Al is giving you. Yes, he said it was for you too, Angel.”

“Oooh, I hope it’s a dick in a box!” Angel said happily. Still a bit confused, the two spiders, snake, and cyclops opened the box. Inside was a note reading “A one minute head start.” They all looked at one another, and then took off screaming in unison. Exactly one minute later, not a second too early or too late, a massive ball of flaming red hot Cheeto hatred, antlers, and tentacles tore past Charlie, Husk, and Vaggie.

“He's gaining on us!” Cherri panted. “We’re… we’re too slow!”

Angel suddenly stopped, spinning around, taking a hard stance with his arms outstretched. The others ground to a halt as well.

“A… Anthony?”

“GO!” Angel shouted.

“What are you saying? I can’t leave you!”

“Just… just go! I love you, brother. Let me lay down my life for you.”

“Annnthoooony!” he shouted, arms outstretched as Pentious scooped him up and continued running with the spider over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

The tentacles loomed over Angel. “Do… your… worst,” he grinned.

Alastor came over the hill and froze. He’d… well, he’d expected to find his summons dismembering the demons who dared throw egg on his face. Instead… Well, there was at least one tentacle in Angel’s mouth, and at minimum two more in his ass. Two additional tentacles were making a heart shape together, while a third was lying in dead exhaustion on the ground, dripping with… with… oh, Lucifer, Alastor didn’t want to think about it.

“Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm,” Angel moaned as the tentacles fucked him. “Tath rithe,” he mumbled through a mouth full of tentacle. “Me beenth a bad both. Futh me good.” Alastor could hear the wet squishing sounds as the long black limbs thrust in and out, pleasuring themselves on every soft, moist surface of the long spider’s body. It… it… he collapsed to the ground, shaken. All his years of power and all his years of being feared… and this is what brought him to his knees? Wait, no, not like that, perv. He couldn’t believe it though. This was what laid the mighty Alastor low? A… A spider… fucking the ever loving jizz right out of his most powerful summons?

“Oh, Al, you really DID get me what I wanted for Christmas!” Angel teased when he’d finally exhausted the monster. “I thought you were going to kill me with your tentacles, but you naughty boy, you had other plans.”

“Actually, yes, I _was_ trying to kill you with my tentacles. In all my years in Hell, no one has ever fucked their way out of dying before.” Not only that, but… enjoyed themselves to the fullest doing it. Alastor was traumatized. He wasn’t sure his summons would ever recover from the way it was trembling on the ground, limbs everywhere. Sure, it had been blown up lots of times… but it had never been blown _that way_ before. 

“What can I say, Smiles? I’m a professional,” Angel shrugged.

.

Meanwhile, in the panic room in Sir Pentious’ house

“When do you think it will be safe to come out again?” Arackniss asked, unaware that his brother had already defeated the threat.

“I have enough food, water, and DVDs in here to last three demons a month,” Pentious answered.

“DVDs, old man? How about lube?” Cherri asked.

“If… if you must ask, that too,” the shy snake stammered.

“… Stay in here until after extermination and hope the Radio Demon will have forgotten he wants to kill us by then?” Cherri asked the others. They nodded in agreement. At least it would be a fun few days…

.

Merry Anti-Christmas to all, and to all, a good fuck!


End file.
